First Time in Forever Read online

  Realizing she was waiting for an answer, he cleared his throat. “That was kind of you.”

  “Not really.” She looked uncertain. “It’s probably driven by a selfish need to feel competent at something I’m doing. That certainly isn’t child rearing. I need a crash course.”

  Her insecurity tugged at him. He remembered feeling the same way a million times.

  “Anyone who feels competent at child rearing is deluding themselves. If it’s going well, then you’d better realize it could change at any time. Just when you think you’ve got something nailed, they hit another phase, and suddenly you have no idea what you’re doing.”

  “Was that how it was with Rachel?” Her earnest gaze made him slide deeper into the hole he’d dug for himself.

  “Yeah. Losing my parents coincided with a difficult phase, so we never knew whether she was exhibiting grief or whether it was just normal behavior. We stumbled through it, making it up as we went along.”

  “I’m worried my lack of skills might be psychologically damaging.”

  He was pretty sure that being the child of Lana Fox would have done far more damage psychologically, but he kept that thought to himself. “I’m sure you’re doing just fine.”

  “I ordered a ton of books, but so far I haven’t had time to read them.”

  He could imagine her, focused on the internet, reading all the back cover copy in an attempt to decide which book would guarantee a safe future for Lizzy. “Parents never do. They’re too busy being parents. And I’m not sure what books can teach you that your instincts can’t.”

  “I’m not sure I have the right instincts.” Her eyes were wide with uncertainty. “I know I don’t have the right feelings for her, but I can protect her. That’s my job. I’m trying to learn what she needs.”

  He wondered why she didn’t recognize the feelings that were so obviously spilling over inside her. She had so much love to give it was like watching a balloon ready to burst.

  Yet another reason to keep his distance.

  “What she needs,” he said slowly, “is to have some fun and lead a normal life with you in the background to guide her. Let her do the things other kids her age are doing.”

  A dimple appeared in the corner of her mouth. “You’re saying that because you want to recruit people for your lobster bake.”

  He suddenly realized how much harder the evening would be if she turned up to the lobster bake. “You’re right. Forget it. I know a party on a beach would be your idea of a nightmare. You should stay away.”

  *

  “WE ARE GOING to the lobster bake.”

  Skylar glanced up from the beads she was threading with Lizzy. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes.” Determined to do this before she could change her mind, Emily grabbed a large beach bag and started stuffing things inside. She had no idea what was needed for a trip to the beach, so she improvised, ignoring the part of her brain that told her she should be packing resuscitation equipment. “Get changed. Pack a sweater.”

  “We’re going to the beach?” Lizzy erupted with excitement. “Can I take my bucket?”

  Emily felt her stomach roll, but she reached for the bucket and stuffed it into the bag before she could think of all the reasons not to. “It’s in. Anything else? Don’t forget Andrew.”

  Skylar’s eyebrows rose as Lizzy went running from the room. “Who is Andrew? Please, tell me he’s some hot guy you have chained in your wardrobe for your nighttime pleasure.”

  “Andrew is the bear. He has to come everywhere.” Some things she was learning.

  “I don’t know whether to be impressed or disappointed.” Her friend sat back in the chair. “You are a different person.”

  “I learn from my mistakes. I only forget a bear once.”

  “I was talking about the beach.”

  “Oh.”

  “What changed your mind?”

  “I realized that I have a responsibility to teach her to be safe around water, and avoiding it isn’t going to achieve that.” Emily added a pretty beach towel to the bag. “If I’m not careful, I’ll make her scared and I don’t want that.”

  “You’re going to teach her to swim?”

  “No. I can’t swim myself.” She thought about Ryan’s offer and dismissed it. There was no way she was putting as much as a toe in the water, but she was prepared to go to a lobster bake on the beach. That would be a start.

  It had been Ryan’s parting remark that had been responsible for her change of heart.

  A party on a beach would be your idea of a nightmare.

  But not Lizzy’s. And why should Lizzy be made to suffer because she was freaked out by water? The last thing she wanted to do was pass her phobia on to the child.

  Lizzy came back downstairs wearing pink sparkly flip-flops. “Can we make a necklace to wear to the beach?”

  “Great idea.” Skylar pushed a box of beads toward her and glanced at Emily. “We’re fine here if you want to go and change.”

  Leaving Lizzy to make jewelry with Skylar, Emily walk out of the kitchen, but her friend’s voice followed her up the stairs.

  “Emily? Don’t wear black.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  LOBSTER BAKES WERE a regular feature during the summer months. Anton, the chef from the Ocean Club, prepared the food the old-fashioned way, steamed in seaweed and cooked in wash kettles over open fires using water from the ocean. The event drew locals and tourists alike, all keen to savor the tradition and taste the very best seafood while enjoying an unparalleled view. Some did a little beachcombing, while others, the braver ones, chose to swim in the sea.

  Overseeing it all, Ryan was in midconversation with Alec when he noticed Emily hovering at the edge of the beach. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Lizzy and Skylar were by her side, he wasn’t sure he would have recognized her. She’d swapped her usual discreet, dark colors for a dress that flowed around her curves in a swirl of purple and blue. The breeze breathed life into the fabric, playing with it so that it lifted and revealed a flash of toned leg.

  Ryan lost the thread of the conversation. Hit by a punch of sexual awareness, his brain blanked.

  Emily was holding Lizzy’s hand firmly. That sight alone should have been enough to damp down the lust.

  It didn’t.

  He wondered how long it had taken her to pluck up the courage to bring Lizzy to a party on a beach.

  “Single mother,” Alec reminded him, handing him another beer. “All your alarms should be going off right now.”

  “My alarm is malfunctioning.”

  “Then get it fixed. Last time my alarm system malfunctioned I found myself with an expensive divorce.”

  Ryan ignored him. “I need you to do me a favor.”

  “The answer is no.”

  “You don’t know what I’m going to ask.”

  “Yes, I do.” Alec drank. “You want me to babysit so that you can drag her back to your cave and get laid. We may have Wi-Fi and hot and cold running water, but that look on your face hasn’t changed since the day man roamed the earth dressed in animal skins.”

  “I don’t want you to babysit. I want you to be friendly to Skylar. And you can relax because I’m sure a woman as gorgeous and happy as she seems to be wouldn’t need to ruin her day by getting involved with a moody bastard like you. If it helps, I think she’s already in a relationship. Some guy running for senate.”

  “Makes sense. She seems the sort to be turned on by power.”

  Ryan didn’t think Skylar seemed that sort at all, but he kept that thought to himself. “So, are you going to do it?”

  “You do know you have a major problem, don’t you?”

  “You’re talking about my choice of friends?”

  “I’m talking about the fact that in order to get the girl, you’re going to have to deal with the child.” Alec lifted his beer to his lips. “For you, that’s like walking through a ring of fire.”

  “All I had in mind was a drink and conversati
on. You’ve gone straight from a single look to divorce in sixty seconds.”

  “Every divorce begins with a single look. Never forget that.”

  “No chance while I’m hanging around with you. When is this cynicism going to die?”

  “Never. It’s keeping me safe.”

  “It’s keeping you single.”

  “Same thing.”

  Ryan shook his head. “I thought you came here to heal.”

  “I came here to work.”

  But Ryan knew that wasn’t the whole story. For plenty of people, Puffin Island was a sanctuary. It was the reason Lisa had chosen to uproot two small children in an attempt to build a new life. It was the reason Brittany had offered her cottage to Emily.

  It was a place where wounds could heal, bathed by the beauty of nature.

  Some wounds, he thought. Not all.

  He saw Emily tighten her grip on Lizzy’s hand and linger at the edge of the beach as if she were about to step into a pit of alligators. Her anxiety was almost painful to witness. He wanted to stride across the sand, fold her into his arms and stand between her and the sea. It was as if she were frozen.

  Another panic attack?

  Remembering how she’d been that day Lizzy had wandered onto the beach, Ryan cursed under his breath.

  “Damsel in distress,” Alec said flatly, “the most dangerous kind of all. They wait for you to show your soft side, and then they go in for the kill.”

  Ryan didn’t think there was a single part of himself that could be classed as “soft” right at that moment. And he knew that nothing his friend had said applied to Emily. “That isn’t what’s happening here.”

  The water was her phobia.

  The fact that she was here, facing up to the thing she feared most, simply increased his respect for her.

  Shit.

  “It’s my job to greet guests, so I’m going over there—”

  “Of course you are. Since that was always going to be the outcome, you should have done it five minutes ago.”

  Ryan ground his teeth. “Next time we’re out in the boat, I hope the beam cracks your skull.”

  “I’m not the one who needs a smack round the head.”

  “You can stay here growling if you like, but I’m going to be sociable.”

  “You mean you’re going to see if there’s any chance comfort could lead to grateful sex.”

  Ryan gave a half smile. “Brittany asked me to look out for a friend in trouble. That’s what I’m doing.”

  Part of him recognized that he might be the one in trouble, but he decided to ignore that along with the speculative look from Alec.

  He strolled across the sand, checking everyone had what they needed and that there were no problems simmering. South Beach was one of the best beaches for swimming on the island, a curve of sand where the sea shelved gently and lacked the strong undertows characteristic of other parts of the island. One end of the beach was rocky, but those large gray slabs of granite provided a perfect platform for jumping into the water. Some of the braver individuals were swimming, their shrieks cutting through the air as they dipped into the cold waters of the Atlantic. Ryan might have joined them if it hadn’t been for the woman hovering on the edge of the party. He’d put two of the guys who worked behind the bar on lifeguard duty. Kirsti was handing out drinks and welcoming people with her own individual brand of warmth that involved a significant amount of matchmaking.

  As Ryan walked past her, she handed him a couple of extra beers from a bucket brimming with ice and winked.

  He took the beers, ignored the wink and joined Skylar and Emily.

  “This is a surprise.” He handed over the beers and then dropped to his haunches to greet Lizzy, noticing the bows in her hair. “Pretty necklace.”

  Lizzy fingered it. “I made it with Skylar.”

  “Emily!” Lisa arrived with the twins, holding on to each hand. “Can Lizzy join us? We’re hunting for shells on the far side of the beach with Rachel.”

  The request seemed to stir Emily from her trance. “Rachel?”

  “My sister,” Ryan murmured in response to her blank expression. “Even on her day off she doesn’t miss the opportunity to grab a group of young children and stimulate their minds.”

  Emily held tight to Lizzy’s hand. “That sounds like fun.” The tone she used told a different story. “I’ll come, too.”

  Ryan understood that for Emily, being here was an enormous step. It was too much to expect for her to leave the child in someone else’s care. Blocking out Alec’s comment that in order to get the girl he had to deal with the child, he swung a giggling Lizzy onto his shoulders.

  “Now you have a seagull’s view.”

  He ignored Kirsti’s approving glance and strolled across the sand, wincing as Lizzy’s small hands tugged at his hair.

  “Hey, that’s attached to me.”

  “I’m too high up. I don’t want to fall.” But she was giggling, and he saw Emily glance at the child and smile, too.

  By the time he reached Rachel and the twins, his scalp was sore from being pulled, and he swung Lizzy down, forgetting to make allowances for his injury.

  He said nothing, but something must have shown on his face because Emily reached out and touched his shoulder gently.

  “You hurt yourself?”

  “It’s fine.” He could feel the warmth of her hand through his shirt. He remembered those fingers sliding under his shirt and resting lightly on his back. Sliding over his jaw and into his hair. Locked with his as he’d lifted her arms above her head and plundered her mouth.

  Her gaze lifted to his, and he knew she was remembering the same thing.

  She withdrew her hand quickly.

  “Ryan?” Rachel was glancing between them curiously, and Ryan pulled himself together and introduced Emily and Lizzy. After that, all he had to do then was stand back and watch while his sister worked her magic. Even as a child, Rachel had wanted to be a teacher. He remembered her lining up all her toys and standing up to teach the “class.”

  The tide was far out, exposing granite boulders crowded with rockweed, barnacles, whelks and mussel shells. Within seconds Lizzy was holding Rachel’s hand and searching nearby tide pools for sea creatures while Emily stood tense as a bow.

  “I should go with them.”

  He wondered whether it was the sexual chemistry that was responsible for her tension or the proximity of the water.

  “She’ll be safe with my sister.” He saw Rachel point out where Lizzy should step to be safe on the rocks. “Rachel is the best teacher Puffin Elementary has ever had. She adores the kids, and she knows exactly how to handle them. And she’ll be working at Camp Puffin all summer. Relax.”

  “We’re on a beach,” she muttered. “I don’t think relaxing is possible.”

  “Try.” Against his better judgment, he put a comforting hand on her back. He felt her stiffen and then relax into the reassuring pressure and draw a deep, shuddering breath through her body.

  “Pathetic.”

  “Who is pathetic?”

  “I am.” She kept her eyes fixed on Lizzy the whole time, every muscle in her body tense and ready to move in an instant.

  “You’re here. You’re standing on a beach. That’s not pathetic. It’s brave.”

  “Brave would be getting in the water.”

  He glanced at her profile. “One step at a time.”

  “They’re having fun.” She watched a group of mothers play with their children in the shallows, an activity punctuated by much delighted squealing.

  “You sound surprised.”

  “I guess for me beaches are more about fear than fun.”

  “I didn’t expect you to be here.”

  “Would you rather I hadn’t come?”

  “No.” He was beginning to wonder why he was fighting it. He glanced at her, wondering if she felt it, too, but she was staring at Lizzy, her green eyes focused on the child. Emily’s hair was loose and softly curling, strands
of blond and caramel floating around blush-tinted ivory skin that reminded him of the strawberries-and-cream flavor Lisa served in Summer Scoop.

  If she were a dessert, he would have eaten her in two mouthfuls.

  She stirred, her arm brushing against his. “I came because of you.”

  “Me?” For a moment he thought she was propositioning him, and then he realized their minds were working along different tracks, and she was still thinking about Lizzy.

  “You told me she needed to have fun and lead a normal life. On Puffin Island a beach picnic is normal. I don’t want her to be afraid of the water.”

  “Can she swim?”

  “I have no idea.” She turned slightly green. “You’re worried she might fall in?”

  “No, but swimming is an important life skill. It will give her confidence. In the summer, the pool at the Ocean Club is closed to the public in the mornings so that Rachel can give swimming lessons to the kids as part of Camp Puffin. I’m sure she’d take Lizzy.”

  Emily’s expression showed an agony of indecision, and then she nodded. “Yes. It’s a good idea.” She said it as if it were the worst idea in the world.

  “Every kid should be able to swim.”

  “Yes.” She stared straight ahead, and he knew she was wondering whether she might have been able to prevent what had happened if she’d known how to swim.

  “It wouldn’t have made a difference.” He spoke softly, so they couldn’t be overheard. “You were too little. Most grown-ups don’t know what to do when they’re caught in a riptide. Even if you’d been able to swim, there is no way you would have been able to save her.”

  “I’ll never know. You’re right. I’ll ask Rachel if she’ll teach Lizzy.” She watched as Lizzy scooped water from a tide pool into her bucket. When it was too dark to play any longer, they picked their way back across the rocks, juggling children, brimming buckets and sandy feet.

  Anton and his team were layering potatoes, onions and garlic on top of the lobster in four large kettles over open fires. Then came corn and hot dogs and finally the whole meal was sealed to keep in the steam. Small tables were groaning under the weight of various appetizers, freshly baked bread and mixed salads. As well as hot dogs, the menu included hamburgers for the children, and the smell of cooking scented the air, mingling with the scent of the sea.