The Magic of Christmas Page 14

  ‘Yes.’ He stilled. ‘But you have no idea how traumatised they were when their mother left. It just isn’t something I can risk again.’

  ‘I wouldn’t hurt them, Christian.’

  ‘Not intentionally, no.’ He moved away from her as if he didn’t trust himself not to touch her again. ‘But I don’t intend to make a habit of having women walking in and out of their lives.’

  Was it possible to experience perfect happiness and the depths of misery almost simultaneously? ‘So that’s it?’

  He ran a hand over his face and turned away from her. ‘It has to be.’ His tone was bleak. ‘It has to be, Lara.’

  CHAPTER TEN

  ‘I CAN’T see her,’ Chloe whispered as the three of them craned their necks to see Aggie on the stage. ‘She’s supposed to come on after the Kings. Where is she?’

  Christian stared at the stage and tried to control his reaction to Lara, who was sitting right beside him. She was avoiding his gaze but he knew that she was every bit as aware of him as he was of her.

  Their moment of passion had stripped back his self-control and he just wanted to haul her into a dark cave and keep her there.

  ‘Oh, my goodness, they all look so sweet,’ Lara murmured as a line of young children shuffled onto the stage in various muddy-coloured robes. ‘I’ve never actually been to a school nativity play before. It’s amazing.’

  She was amazing, he thought, coming to watch his daughter in her nativity play. Especially after what had happened between them.

  He wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d packed her bags and walked away.

  But she hadn’t done that. She’d just carried on with her life—working and helping him with the girls. She was a little paler and possibly a little less bouncy, but she was still Lara.

  ‘Dad!’ Chloe nudged him. ‘You’re not concentrating.’

  Forcing his mind away from Lara, Christian scanned the line of children on the stage. ‘Why are they all wearing stripy teatowels on their heads?’

  ‘Because they’re shepherds.’ Smiling, Lara glanced towards him, but her smile faded almost instantly.

  ‘I love the woolly sheep,’ Chloe murmured, and Lara dragged her eyes away from his and back to the stage.

  Christian felt a sudden rush of tension engulf him. They couldn’t even behave naturally anymore.

  ‘I can see Aggie.’ Lara moved slightly in her seat and waved her hand.

  ‘Don’t wave,’ Chloe muttered. ‘The teachers tell them off if they wave.’

  ‘Sorry.’ Lara clasped her hands in her lap. ‘It’s just that she looks gorgeous.’

  Aggie walked onto the stage in her white angel costume, her eyes frantically searching for Christian.

  She saw him and gave a dazzling smile, happier and more confident than she’d been for months, and suddenly he felt a lump in his throat. How could he doubt that he was doing the right thing? How could he ever consider putting his needs before those of his girls?

  ‘Go, baby,’ he murmured, and Lara pulled a face and started to chew her nails.

  ‘I’m really nervous for her,’ she whispered. ‘We’ve been practising her lines all week.’

  Christian reached across and gently removed her hand from her mouth. ‘Stop biting your nails. She only says one sentence.’

  ‘I know.’ Deprived of her nails, Lara bit her lip instead. ‘We’ve practised it over and over again. I hope she gets it right.’

  Christian watched his daughter but he was acutely aware of Lara sitting next to him, mouthing the words along with Aggie.

  She was sweet with his children.

  Touched by how much she appeared to care, he gritted his teeth and reminded himself that it didn’t make any difference. Liking his children was quite different from taking them on for the rest of her life.

  Sweat broke out on his brow.

  Where had that thought come from?

  There had never been any suggestion of permanence in his relationship with Lara.

  They’d rejected a wild affair, nothing more.

  Clearly unaware of his thoughts, Lara was clapping. ‘Wasn’t Aggie great, Chloe?’

  Chloe gave a wistful smile. ‘Yes,’ she said huskily. ‘She was tremendous.’

  Something in Chloe’s tone drew Christian’s attention and for a moment he forgot about Lara. Was Chloe jealous of Aggie? It had never crossed his mind before, but still…

  Realising that the nativity play had ended, he clapped dutifully.

  Christian noticed that quite a few of the other parents were glancing at Lara with interest.

  She had clearly noticed the same thing because she blushed slightly.

  ‘Oh, dear. The gossips will be working overtime,’ she said to Christian as she slipped her coat on and reached for her bag. She held the scarf across her mouth and nose, gave him a sultry look and adopted a foreign accent. ‘“Oo is zee mysterious and glamorous woman seen out with zee handsome Christian Blake?”’

  ‘I don’t know—who is she?’ Trying to lighten the atmosphere, Christian pretended to look around him and Chloe chuckled.

  ‘Dad! You’re awful. Lara looks gorgeous. Surely you can see that.’

  Yes, unfortunately he could see that.

  Had his daughter noticed, too?

  Was that why she was so quiet?

  Chloe was growing up. Perhaps she’d picked up the tension between him and Lara.

  He reached for Chloe’s hand. ‘You both look gorgeous.’ He smiled at his daughter. ‘What do you want to do when we’ve collected Aggie?’

  Chloe’s smile was self-conscious. ‘I don’t mind. Anything.’

  ‘Actually, I thought Chloe and I might go shopping,’ Lara said casually, wrapping the scarf around her neck and glancing at her watch. ‘The shops don’t close until late.’

  ‘What are we shopping for?’

  ‘A new outfit for the school disco.’ Lara smiled at Chloe. ‘I’ve seen an amazing dress. It would look great on you.’

  Chloe shook her head. ‘I’m not going to the school disco.’

  Christian frowned. ‘I’d forgotten about it. When is it?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ Chloe said quickly. ‘I’m not going. It’s fine. Really. Don’t worry, Dad.’

  ‘I’m not worrying,’ Christian said mildly, ‘but I think you should go to the disco. All your friends will be going, presumably?’

  ‘I don’t know. I suppose so.’

  ‘Then you should go, too.’

  Chloe threw an anguished look towards Lara. ‘It finishes so late.’

  ‘One of us will pick you up,’she said immediately.

  ‘I’d rather stay at home.’

  At that moment Aggie came running towards them, still dressed in her angel costume and white ballet shoes. She was clutching two big bags. ‘I can go home like this if I like. Daddy, will you take me for an ice cream? Can I stay in my costume?’

  ‘Great idea,’ Christian drawled, scooping her into his arms. ‘After all, it’s only minus two degrees outside. Eating an ice cream half-naked seems perfectly logical. Why don’t you and Lara go shopping, Chloe? We’ll see you later.’

  Chloe stared at him for a moment and then blinked several times. ‘OK,’ she said huskily. ‘We’ll go shopping.’

  * * *

  ‘This will look great on you. Try it.’ It was Lara’s fourth attempt to persuade Chloe to try on a dress.

  Listlessly, Chloe stared at the dress and shook her head. ‘I don’t need anything new.’

  Lara put the dress down and sat down on the seat in the cubicle. ‘All right. Enough. What’s wrong with the clothes? Am I picking the wrong things for you?’

  ‘No, everything is great,’ Chloe said quickly. ‘I just—don’t need anything.’

  ‘Would you rather have gone for an ice cream with your dad?’ Lara narrowed her eyes. ‘I’m missing something here. Chloe, what’s wrong?’

  Suddenly a hideous thought occurred to her.

  Had Chloe guessed
how Lara felt about her father?

  Was she feeling insecure?

  To her horror, the girl’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Nothing. I just don’t want to spend Daddy’s money. I have everything I need.’And with that she fumbled her way out of the changing room, leaving Lara staring after her in bemusement and concern.

  She abandoned the dress she was holding and sprinted after her. ‘Chloe, wait. Wait!’ She caught her just outside the shop and grabbed her arm. ‘Please, don’t run away from me. We have to talk. If there’s something worrying you then talk to me. Please.’

  ‘There’s nothing to say.’

  ‘Well, if you won’t talk to me, at least talk to your dad,’ Lara urged, wishing they weren’t in the middle of a busy shopping centre, heaving with Christmas shoppers. ‘He’s worried about you.’

  Chloe’s eyes widened and she shook her head. ‘I don’t want him to be worried about me.’

  ‘Of course you do. He’s your dad! A daughter’s role in life is to worry her dad!’

  ‘He isn’t my dad.’

  Christmas carols wailed out of the loudspeakers in the shopping centre and a bag dug into the back of Lara’s leg as shoppers elbowed past them, but she didn’t even notice. ‘What do you mean, he isn’t your dad? Of course he’s your dad.’

  ‘No.’ Chloe shook her head violently. ‘Christian married my mum. And they had Aggie. Aggie is his child. I’m not.’

  Lara opened her mouth and closed it again, wondering why Christian had never thought to mention that fact. ‘I don’t know what to say.’ Her voice came out in a croak. ‘He’s never mentioned it.’

  ‘He never does. He’s far too kind.’ Chloe looked away from her, staring blankly into the middle distance as the crowds of shoppers poured around them. ‘It was really decent of him to let me live with him after Mum left.’

  ‘Hold on a minute.’ Lara lifted a hand to slow the conversation and then turned to glare at a woman who bashed into them. ‘Excuse me!’

  ‘It’s not a good place to stand, love,’ the woman returned, and Lara grabbed Chloe’s arm.

  ‘She’s right. We can’t have a proper conversation with the entire world tramping over us as they do their Christmas shopping. And, if they play that Rudolph song again, I’m going to hang myself from the nearest piece of tinsel. Come on. You and I are going to have a proper talk.’ She dragged Chloe back to the car park and drove her home. ‘Your dad and Aggie are eating ice cream so we can have five minutes by ourselves. I’ll make my special hot chocolate and we’ll take it up to your bedroom.’

  Once home, she made them both a drink and Chloe helped her carry the mugs up to her bedroom.

  Lara slipped off her shoes and curled up on the bed. ‘Right. Tell me everything. And don’t hold anything back. It seems to me that you’ve got far too much bottled up inside you.’

  Chloe sat down next to her, her hands round her mug of chocolate. ‘I don’t usually talk about it to anyone.’

  ‘I’m not just anyone and you’re going to talk about it with me. Go.’

  Chloe hesitated. ‘I was four and a half when Dad met my mum.’

  ‘What happened to your real father?’

  ‘He didn’t want children.’ Chloe poked the spoon into her hot chocolate. ‘So I guess I spoiled that relationship for her.’

  Lara’s eyes narrowed. ‘How do you know he didn’t want children?’

  ‘Well, he isn’t exactly around, is he?’ Chloe sighed. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to be snappy.’

  ‘Don’t apologise. You finally sounded like a moody teenager. It’s a relief to hear it.’

  ‘You want me to be moody?’

  ‘No,’Lara said softly. ‘I want you to be yourself.’

  Chloe stared at her and her eyes filled. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Oh, sweetheart…’ Lara leaned forward and removed the mug of chocolate from Chloe’s fingers. She put it on the bedside table and stretched out her arms. ‘Give me a hug.’

  Chloe hesitated and then slid into her arms and Lara felt the child’s skinny body tremble with repressed emotion. ‘I’m so scared, Lara.’ She burst into tears and Lara tightened her grip.

  She let her cry for a few minutes and then tried to unwrap herself from Chloe’s grasp so that she could get a better look at her. ‘Chloe—look at me. You have to talk to me so that I can help. I just don’t know what’s going on here. What are you scared of?’

  Chloe was sobbing so hard that her response was unintelligible but Lara thought it sounded like, ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘Obvious? No. Not to me.’ Seriously concerned, Lara kept one arm round the child and reached across to the bedside table so that she could grab a tissue from the box. ‘Here. Blow.’

  Chloe peeled herself away from Lara’s neck and took the tissue. ‘I’m afraid he doesn’t… really…want…me.’ Her voice juddered and she stopped talking and blew her nose hard.

  ‘Who doesn’t want you? You have to stop crying, Chloe. You’ll give yourself a horrible headache.’

  ‘My dad.’ Chloe’s voice was clogged with tears. ‘Because he isn’t really my dad, is he? I mean…’ Just saying the words was enough to set her off sobbing again. ‘My mum just walked out. Just like that. And left me here. And that’s fine because, to be honest, if she’d given me a choice I would have chosen to live with my dad any day because he always has time for me and she never did.’ She scrubbed the heel of her hand across her cheek and drew in a shuddering breath. ‘But he probably wouldn’t have chosen to keep me.’

  ‘Chloe!’ Genuinely shocked, Lara gave her a gentle shake. ‘Your dad adores you.’ She’d seen the evidence repeatedly.

  ‘No. He didn’t have any choice, Lara,’ Chloe sobbed. ‘She just walked out and dumped me on him. He always has to think about us. His whole life revolves around us. And I’m sure he hates being a parent as much as she did.’

  ‘No.’ Lara shook her head, appalled. ‘I’m equally sure that he doesn’t. He loves you.’

  ‘I make his life more difficult. I try not to, but—’

  ‘Is that why you’re always trying to please me?’ Christian’s voice came from the doorway, hoarse and disbelieving.

  Chloe jumped to her feet in horror. ‘Dad! We didn’t know you were home.’ She made a frantic attempt to brush the tears from her face. ‘We were just—We were—’

  ‘Finally telling the truth?’ Christian’s face was white. ‘Chloe, how could you possibly think those things? What have I ever done to give you the impression that I don’t love you?’

  His gaze slid briefly to Lara and she knew that he was thinking the same thing that she’d been thinking—that the intensity of their relationship had somehow communicated itself to the children.

  Chloe collapsed onto Lara and started to sob again. ‘Mum didn’t want me and she’s actually related to me. It was all my fault you split up, because she got fed up with having a family. She told me that, if she had her time again, she wouldn’t have children. So why would you want to be stuck with me? I’m not even yours!’ She cried and cried and then Lara felt the bed beside them dip as Christian sat down.

  ‘Angel, we have to have a serious talk.’ He rubbed a hand gently down Chloe’s back. ‘Let go of Lara and stop crying. Look at me.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’ Chloe clutched at Lara, crying so hard that she was almost incoherent. ‘I don’t mean to make a fuss.’

  ‘Chloe.’ Christian’s voice was firm and this time he put his arms round the child and lifted her onto his own lap. ‘Sweetheart, you have to try and calm down so that we can talk properly. You’re making Lara cry, too.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Lara muttered, wiping her cheek with the palm of her hand and giving him an apologetic look. ‘It’s just all a bit…emotional.’

  ‘Can everyone stop saying sorry?’ Christian gently but firmly held Chloe while she cried. ‘Please, try and stop crying, angel. I want you to listen to me. Let’s start this from the beginning. The most important thing to say is tha
t you are mine. And I don’t ever want you ever to believe anything different.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘You’re mine.’ Christian’s voice was firm. ‘Mine. Now, onto the second point. Your mother left, yes. But you weren’t to blame.’

  ‘Oh, come on, Dad.’Chloe eased away from him and gave a tiny laugh. ‘Mum hated being a mum.’

  Christian shook her head. ‘She didn’t hate being a mum. It’s true that she didn’t like staying at home, but it was nothing to do with you, baby. Your mum was addicted to her work.’He hesitated. ‘It’s really hard to explain, but work made her feel good. It made her feel good in a way that nothing else did, including me. If anyone is to blame for the fact that she left, then it’s me. She needed something that I just couldn’t seem to give her.’

  ‘But the job was more appealing than Aggie and me,’ Chloe said in a soft voice. ‘“Having kids is relentless.” She told me that once. She said that having kids was all about putting yourself second. Now you’re the one putting yourself second.’

  ‘I don’t put myself second.’

  ‘You’re always thinking of us.’

  ‘Because I love you,’ Christian said, stroking her hair away from her face with a gentle hand. ‘Not because it’s a sacrifice.’

  ‘It must be a sacrifice. You’re not even my real dad. You’re only stuck with me because you married my mum.’

  Christian’s jaw tensed. ‘I’m going to tell you something I should have told you years ago. I fell in love with you on the first day I met you, Chloe. You were so sweet, loving and thoughtful and such fun to be with. I never wanted to let you go. Don’t ever say I’m not your real dad because you’ll break my heart.’ His voice was hoarse. ‘You’re my daughter every bit as much as Aggie is, and no dad could ever love you more than I do.’

  ‘You don’t have to keep me,’ Chloe whispered in a small voice, and Christian was silent for a moment. Then he cleared his throat.

  ‘Sweetheart, I wouldn’t part with you if someone offered me the sun and the moon. You’re my family. Don’t you dare ever think differently.’

  Chloe stared at him for a moment, her whole body trembling. And then she leaned forward and flung her arms round his neck. ‘Oh, Daddy, Daddy,’ she sobbed into his neck, ‘I love you so much and I’ve been so frightened since Mum left.’