A Wedding in December Page 33

  Because she sensed he was listening, she kept talking.

  “I was determined to find out more about you, because I was sure that Rosie couldn’t possibly know you properly after such a short time. So I asked questions.”

  “I noticed.”

  “I asked a lot of questions, and you were gracious and patient and—” she breathed “—and more polite than I deserved. You answered everything I asked. I thought maybe it was time I told you a bit about me.”

  He frowned. “Katie—”

  “Hear me out. I need you to understand why I behaved the way I did. I need you to understand that it wasn’t personal. I’m quick to judge. Too quick. I often start with the worst-case scenario and work backward. I’m fiercely protective of the people I love. I’m a perfectionist, which isn’t good and I’m working on it.” She sat down on the sofa, staring at her hands. She didn’t have a plan for what to say, but she knew she had to keep talking. “The first time Rosie had an asthma attack, I thought I was going to lose my little sister. I felt this huge sense of responsibility.” She glanced up. “When she went to college, she didn’t want to worry our mother so she used to call me when she was in trouble. And that was fine, I was pleased she turned to me—”

  “But it cast you in the role of parent, and meant that you carried the burden by yourself.”

  Katie nodded. “I’m not even sure that I would have gone into medicine if it hadn’t been for her.”

  “She says you’re a great doctor.”

  Katie wasn’t going to argue that fact. Her issues weren’t important here. This was about Rosie. “I kept at it, because that’s what you do when you’ve had a long and expensive training and you’ve made a career choice that society assumes will be forever. You’re not sure you’re enjoying it, but hey, most of your colleagues are burned out and exhausted, too, so in the end it becomes normal. You justify the way you’re feeling. And why not, because no one ditches medicine after a decade of practice, do they?”

  He sat down opposite her. The defensive look in his eyes had gone. “They do if they no longer want to do it.”

  “You think it’s okay to change your mind about things? You see that as a strength, not a weakness?”

  “Yes. I do.”

  “Good.” She stood up. “So go and find my sister and tell her you made a mistake. Tell her you still love her and finally have the talk that you probably only need because I interfered. And if after that talk, you still believe it’s not the right thing, then we’ll handle it.” Her eyes filled. “I can’t be the reason you both break up.”

  “Because she’d never forgive you?”

  “No. Because I can see now that the two of you are perfect together. I think you need to each find a way to improve your communication, but hopefully you’ll have plenty of years ahead to practice. I want her to be happy. I want you to be happy. Despite appearances, I really like you, Dan, and I hope eventually you might grow to like me. Or at least, forgive me.”

  “I do like you, Katie, and I respect how much you love your sister.”

  But he hadn’t changed his mind. “You have to understand her.” She knew she sounded desperate. She was desperate. “Rosie is so kind. She never wants to hurt anyone.”

  “I know that. I know her. Why do you think I’m in love with her?”

  “I—you’re still saying that in the present tense.” She felt a burst of hope that was instantly quenched by the expression on his face.

  “Turns out you can switch off wedding plans, but you can’t switch off love.”

  “But if you’re in love, why wouldn’t you get married?”

  “Exactly for the reason you said. Rosie hates hurting anyone, so if she can’t talk honestly with me, how am I ever going to know whether she really loves me? How are we going to solve problems in the years ahead?”

  “Are you sure she wasn’t talking? Or could it have been you that wasn’t listening?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Rosie says she tried to tell you. Did you hear her trying to tell you?”

  “I—no. But—”

  “Maybe your listening skills need work. Maybe she needs to speak louder. Or email you. Use a whiteboard in the kitchen, or sticky notes. I don’t know—” she spread her hands in frustration “—I know nothing about serious relationships, but I do know that this seems like such a fixable thing to me. You love her. She loves you. The two of you need to find a better way to communicate, that’s all. I don’t think you know how truly lucky you are. In this often horrible world, where things go wrong for people every damn day, you have found love and friendship and warmth—all the things that truly matter, all the things that are going to make your life good and sustain you in the times when life isn’t good—and you’re going to turn your back on that? And by the way, if your answer to that is ‘yes,’ then I’ve found out what’s wrong with you. I rest my case.”

  “I thought you were a doctor, not a lawyer.”

  “It felt like the right thing to say.” She sniffed and walked to the door. “And now I’m leaving. Before my sister figures out I’m here, and our relationship is blown forever.”

  She was halfway to the door when his voice stopped her.

  “You wanted to know about me, so let me tell you about me. If it’s not related to work, or physical fitness, I tend to put things off. I’m a terrible procrastinator. I’ve been known to pay my taxes late. I miss my dad every damn day, and his death made me appreciate how important it is to hold on to love when you find it.”

  She turned and he nodded.

  “That’s the reason I wanted to marry Rosie quickly. It wasn’t an impulse. It wasn’t because my mother jumped in and suggested Christmas. It was because I knew. I knew she was the one for me, and I wanted to make the most of every moment.”

  “Stop.” She blinked and sniffed. “You’re making me cry, and I am the least sentimental person you are ever going to meet.”

  “Yeah? I know you were upset about Jordan keeping you away.”

  She had her medical training to thank for the fact that she could keep her expression neutral. “I’m not upset. He did the right thing.” She squared her shoulders. “The two of you needed time together and I was getting in the way of that. I’d say he executed his duties as best man perfectly. He’s a good friend. You and Rosie are lucky to have him in your corner.” And what was there to be upset or sad about anyway? They’d spent a night together, so what? They were two consenting adults. They’d both made a choice. Yes, she felt completely messed up and emotional about it but that wasn’t Jordan’s fault. It was because she was generally messed up and emotional. She had a sick note to prove it.

  “Right now I’m not sure I’m going to need a best man.”

  She thought for a moment. “Tell me something, Dan. If you know how important it is to hold on to love, why are you letting it go? Do you think there weren’t days when your parents had to find a path through a bumpy part of their relationship? Look at my parents. On second thoughts, you probably don’t want to look at my parents because every time we turn in their direction they seem to be doing something excruciatingly embarrassing, but my point is that throwing love away simply because you need to both learn to accommodate the way you both are, is a horrible waste.”

  He didn’t answer, so she tried again.

  “You said you had plenty of time to get to know each other, but knowing each other isn’t only about discovering that one of you once had a pet rabbit, or failed a physics test. It’s about understanding how the other person reacts. I see it in the hospital. People who become aggressive when they’re frightened. People who are so numb with grief they can’t even speak, let alone cry. It’s not because they don’t care, but because that’s their way of handling the fact that they care almost too much. Those are the things you need to know about someone. You’ve found out something r
eally important about Rosie—she is probably not going to yell in your face when something is wrong. You’re going to have to create the environment where she can tell you what’s on her mind.” And she’d messed that part up, too. Katie knew she hadn’t given Rosie the space to talk. “That isn’t a reason to break up. It’s something to file away and use when you need that deeper understanding. That’s what knowing someone really means. And I think it’s called intimacy, although that is something I know next to nothing about.” She turned and walked out of the apartment without looking back.

  Had her words had an impact?

  She had no idea.

  She arrived back at the tree house to find her father waiting for her.

  “Hi, Katkin.”

  The use of her childhood nickname almost finished her off. “Dad. Where’s Rosie?”

  “She’s talking to your mother.”

  “Divide and conquer. And you got me. That really is the short straw.”

  “That’s not how I see it.” He looked awkward and out of his depth, which wasn’t a surprise. She couldn’t remember ever having a personal discussion with her father in her whole life. Their relationship had always been about shared activities and adventure. Never about emotions.

  “I’m sorry about this morning.”

  “We’re the ones who should be sorry. For not telling you the truth.” He thrust his hands into his pockets. “But to be honest, I’m not sorry. Your mother and I had—well, we’d grown apart. We couldn’t see a path forward. And then we pretended to still be in love. We spent time together. We had fun for the first time in a while.”

  “It sounds like the plot of a romance novel.”

  He gave a tired smile. “Perhaps that’s where I went wrong. I never read a romance novel. Maybe if I had, I might have learned a thing or two. Maybe my marriage wouldn’t have crashed.”

  She felt an ache in her chest. “I truly am glad it worked out for you both.”

  “That isn’t why I’m here. I didn’t come here to talk about us, although I did want to tell you that our marriage is still very much on. I came here to talk about you.”

  “You don’t need to say anything. I behaved badly, I know.”

  “You were upset. Worried about your sister.” He ran his hand over his jaw. “You haven’t seen much of your mother lately.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. It’s been crazy at work and I’ll try to do better.”

  “Seeing your family isn’t a test you have to ace, Katkin. We love you. If you’re busy, that’s not a problem. You’re talking to the guy who spent half your childhood away digging up relics. I understand busy, and so does your mother. But if it’s something else—” He walked across to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “If there’s something else making you keep your distance. Something bothering you. I hope you’d say something. We’re proud of you, I hope you know that.”

  She knew how proud they were. That was half the problem. She pulled away from him. “I’m fine, Dad.”

  “I’ve never claimed to be much of an expert on body language, but I’m working on it. I know you’re not fine. What I don’t know is why what I said upset you.”

  “Honestly, Dad—I can’t—do we have to talk?”

  “I’m not saying the right things, am I?” His shoulders sagged. “Your mother will kill me. You girls always talk to your mother when something is wrong, and I don’t blame you, but it means I haven’t had as much practice. Should I go, Katie? I don’t want to make things worse.” He was such a kind man. Such a smart man. Her dad.

  Maybe Jordan was right. Maybe it was time she leaned on people herself, instead of protecting them.

  “You said you were proud of me,” she told him. “Of the fact I’m a doctor.”

  “We are proud of you.”

  “But I’m not sure I want to be a doctor anymore.” There. She’d said it. “And I’m sorry if you feel I’m letting you both down. If you feel—”

  “Stop right there. Why would you feel you were letting us down? This is about you, not us. Your life. Your decision.”

  “I’ve wanted to be a doctor forever. I’ve spent my whole life working to get where I am now.”

  “And what? You think that means you have to carry on doing something that no longer fits with what you want?”

  She swallowed. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”

  “Crazy to contemplate a shift in career when you no longer love what you’re doing? Of course not. Crazy would be spending the rest of your life doing something because you’ve always done it.”

  “It feels like a waste.”

  “Nothing you do in life is ever wasted. Nothing.” He gestured to the sofa. “Let’s sit down for a minute.”

  “You said you were proud of me.”

  “We are proud of you. But not because you’re a doctor. Because you’re you. A smart, determined, dedicated young woman. It doesn’t matter what you decide to do, you’re always going to give it your all because that’s who you are.”

  She decided not to tell him about the attack. Not because she wanted to protect her parents, but because she wanted to put it behind her. It was time to look ahead, not back. Still, it was nice to know she could talk to him if she ever felt the need. “I don’t even know what I want to do.”

  “That’s because you haven’t given yourself time to think about it. Resign. Take some time off. Think about it. Give yourself space. If you decide to go back to medicine, fine. If not, that’s fine, too.”

  Hadn’t Jordan suggested the same thing? “I could, I suppose. I have savings.”

  “And we have savings, too.”

  “Thanks, but I would never take your savings. I’m a grown woman, and if I decide to leave then I have to figure this out for myself.”

  “Only you can do the figuring out, but we can all help with the practical side. If you wanted to come home for a while, you could.”

  “And hang around while you two are kissing and cuddling?” She smiled and nudged him. “Thanks, but no thanks. And this isn’t the reaction I was expecting. I thought you’d be disappointed and disapproving. I thought you’d lecture me on throwing my life away and my training. But you almost sound as if you want me to leave.”

  “What I want,” he said, “is for you to be happy. I found out a lot of things this week, but one of those things is that your mother doesn’t love the job she’s been doing for so many years.”

  “Rosie told me about that.”

  He looked at her. “She’s thinking about alternatives.”

  “She is? Like what?”

  “Not sure yet, but possibly something to do with landscape design. Garden design.”

  “That makes sense. Good for her.”

  “My point is, that you don’t have dependents, you only have yourself to worry about. There is no better time than this to make a change. Try something else. And if you want to go back to medicine in a year or two, you can do that.”

  “You make it sound simple.” But hadn’t Jordan made the same point?

  “I think the complexity is one of perception. You’ve worked hard for something. You’re struggling with the idea of walking away from it. But picture yourself twenty years from now, still a doctor. How does that look?”

  “It’s not pretty.”

  “There you go. You’re young, Katie. Take a risk. And get a hobby. Take up yoga. Join a choir. You used to be great at playing the piano. What happened to that? Travel. Do something wild. Buy a horse. Fall in love.”

  Love.

  She thought about those few precious hours with Jordan, and knew she’d never forget it.

  “I think Vicky would complain if I moved a horse into our backyard.” She didn’t want to talk about love. But the other stuff? It was definitely time she thought about that. If there was one thing this week had taught her, it was that
she had no balance in her life. There were no mountains, or fir trees. Not enough blue sky and fresh air. She leaned her head on his shoulder. “Thanks for listening. This is the first time we’ve talked like this.”

  “It is.” He patted her leg awkwardly. “It went okay, I think. We did pretty well.”

  She smiled and hugged him. “You were great. Thanks for not judging, and for being supportive. Thank you, Daddy.”

  “You haven’t called me Daddy since you were six years old.”

  “Right now I feel about six years old.”

  He was silent for a moment. “I might be crossing a line here, and if I am then tell me, but did something happen between you and Jordan? Your sister said something—”

  “It’s fine.”

  “I saw your face. It didn’t look fine, Katkin. Did he hurt you?” He shifted so that he could look at her. “Because if he did, I’ll talk to him.”

  “Oh my God, Dad, no! I can’t think of anything more awkward. Except perhaps walking in on you and Mum having sex. That was pretty bad.”

  “Sex is a normal, healthy—”

  “Stop! I beg you, stop.”

  “All right, but I’m here for you. I can talk to him. Or knock him down. No one hurts my girls.”

  It should have made her laugh, the image of her father knocking Jordan down, but instead it made her want to cry.

  “I can take care of myself.”

  “Maybe you’re not as tough as you think you are.”

  She was starting to think she wasn’t tough at all. Any moment now she was going to start crying. “I’m okay.”

  “I know, but sometimes it’s nice not to have to fight your way through life alone.”

  His words struck home. At that moment she felt more alone than she ever had before in her life.

  She almost told him about Jordan. Almost. She’d find the conversation awkward, and she knew for a fact he would. “I think I might lie down for a couple of hours.”

  “Good plan. You were probably awake all night worrying about your sister while you were trapped in that cabin.”