First Time in Forever Read online

  “I would have come sooner if I’d known.” He walked straight to the bed, put down the large bag he was carrying and sat next to Lizzy. “Hi, tiger. What have you been doing to yourself?”

  “I’m sick.”

  “I can see that.” He picked up the bear. “And how is Andrew? Did he get sick on the flight over?”

  Lizzy managed her first smile for days. “I held him all the way.”

  “You need to get well fast because the puffins miss you. And talking of puffins—” he reached into the bag and pulled out a stuffed puffin, complete with brightly colored felt beak “—I thought Andrew might like company.” He snuggled it next to her as the door opened and a nurse walked in.

  She frowned when she saw Ryan. “Relatives only.”

  “I’m a relative.” Cool and self-assured, Ryan didn’t budge, and the nurse looked at him curiously.

  “Are you Ryan by any chance?” Her severe expression softened when he nodded. “She’s been asking for you. Maybe now you’re here you can persuade Emily to go and eat something. She hasn’t left the room since she arrived.”

  “I didn’t want to.” Emily stayed firmly in the chair, trying to understand what was going on. He claimed not to want the attachment of a family, and yet he’d flown through filthy weather to get here.

  She tried to work it out, but her brain wasn’t functioning properly. She was so tired she wondered if she’d even have the ability to stand up when the moment came. Her short nap in the chair had made her feel worse, not better, as if the taste of sleep had reminded her brain what she’d been missing. Now that the danger had passed, the adrenaline that had kept her going vanished, taking energy with it.

  “I wanted you to come,” Lizzy said sleepily, “but Emily said you wouldn’t because you don’t love us the way we love you.”

  Oh, crap.

  Meeting Ryan’s questioning gaze, Emily felt herself turn scarlet. “The fever has made her very confused.”

  “I’m not confused,” Lizzy murmured. “Do you love us, Ryan?”

  Emily held her breath. How on earth was he going to deal with a question like that?

  “Of course I love you.” He didn’t miss a beat. “You think I’d endure a ride in that bumpy plane if I didn’t love you?”

  “You see?” A satisfied smile curved at the corners of Lizzy’s mouth. “I told you.”

  Emily felt a wash of cold spread over her skin. His answer was designed to soothe but he was making things worse, not better. He was using words like a comfort blanket, wrapping them around a sick child. What would happen when the blanket was ripped away and the child was left freezing and shivering? “Lizzy—”

  “Are you scared?” Lizzy was still looking at Ryan.

  “Scared?”

  “You said you were scared of hospitals.” Her eyes closed. “You can hold my hand. I’m not scared of hospitals, only storms. I’m glad you’re here. I wanted you to tell me about Abbie and the hens.” But she was already asleep, and Emily sat, thinking about the way she’d felt when Ryan had walked into the room.

  It was as if the sun had come out in her life.

  The nurse put her hand on her shoulder. “She’s going to be fine. The doctor will be here in an hour to talk to you. Why don’t you go and get a cup of coffee? I’ll be right here, and if she wakes, I’ll call you. There’s no need to look so anxious.”

  Yes, there was, because Lizzy was right.

  She was in love with Ryan.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  IT WAS TRUE that he hated hospitals. He hated them so much he could hardly bring himself to walk into one. Something about the paint and the clinical smell took him right back to those months after his injury. As soon as he stepped through the door it came rushing back. The white light of the explosion, the pain and the sick empty feeling that came from knowing Finn wasn’t in the hospital with him. Normally he blocked it out, but not today. Today the memories were playing like a movie in his head. The pitch-black of the helicopter, the rattle and sway, the bouncing beam of light from the headlamp of the flight medic. And the pain. Unimaginable pain.

  Hoping they discharged Lizzy fast, he coaxed two cups of coffee from a temperamental machine and took them back to the waiting room.

  Emily was standing in front of the window, staring into space.

  Shock, he thought. Shock and exhaustion.

  “Here—” He handed her the coffee. Remembering the last time she’d keeled over, he put his own down on the table. “Why the hell didn’t you call me?”

  She looked at him blankly, like someone emerging from a long coma, seeing the world for the first time. “It wasn’t your responsibility.”

  He remembered the sharp kick of fear he’d felt when he’d heard about their white-knuckle flight across the bay to the hospital, about the sleepless night he’d had waiting for the wind to die down sufficiently for him to make the crossing to the mainland. His mind had conjured a dozen nightmare scenarios, all of which involved Emily coping alone with a steadily deteriorating Lizzy. By the time he’d arrived at the hospital he’d almost caused casualties in his haste to reach her bedside.

  Only when he’d seen Lizzy, awake and improving, did his own feelings about hospitals resurrect themselves.

  He picked up his coffee, noticing with a twinge of wry humor that his hands were shaking.

  Jesus, he couldn’t even walk into a hospital without falling apart. He was meant to be supporting Emily, and he was in a worse state than she was.

  What a hero.

  Her silence was starting to disturb him. Retrieving his journalistic skills, he tried to think like her. Tried to get into her head. She’d be scared. Scared of losing another child. Of letting her down. “You’re doing a brilliant job, Emily. You’re taking good care of her.”

  Still there was no reaction, and he wondered if she’d even heard him.

  “You’re not going to lose her, Emily. She’s going to be just fine. Kids get sick fast, and then they recover fast. The same thing happened when Rachel was young. You don’t need to panic.”

  But she didn’t seem to be panicking. She looked numb. Catatonic.

  “It was Zach who called me.” He ignored the fact that he seemed to be having a conversation with himself, and finally she stirred.

  “Why would he call you?”

  He couldn’t believe she’d asked that question. “I guess he heard the rumor that you’d left my apartment wearing the same dress you’d worn to dinner and thought I might like to know.” If she’d picked up on the dig that she should have been the one to call him, there were no visible signs of it.

  “He was brave. Please, thank him from me.”

  “He’s a gifted pilot.”

  She didn’t argue. “Does Brittany know that he’s back on the island yet?”

  “I don’t know. I still haven’t told her. Who knows how long he’ll stay, and she isn’t here anyway, so why bring it up?” The last time he’d interfered with their relationship he’d made things worse. “Why the hell are we talking about Zach and Brittany? They’re both old enough to sort out their own relationship. The fact that they don’t is their business, not ours. Are you going to drink that coffee?”

  She sipped mindlessly and pulled a face. “You put sugar in it?”

  “You need the energy, and this stuff tastes disgusting with or without sugar. When did you last eat?”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  He was willing to bet she hadn’t slept, either. Looking at the dark shadows under her eyes, he decided she was too tired to be able to decide whether to move forward or backward.

  She’d been going through torture, and she’d been going through it alone.

  Anger and frustration simmered beneath his own layers of tension. “Hell, Emily, why didn’t you call me? We’re friends.”

  Her gaze flickered to his and away again. “We are friends. And as a friend, I respect your boundaries.”

  “Boundaries?” He lowered his voice. “You talk to me a
bout boundaries after what we did in bed together the other night?”

  “That’s different. This was a problem, and it wasn’t yours to deal with.”

  She was the one who was different, and he had no idea why. Was it tiredness? The stress and anxiety of coping alone? Worry about Lizzy?

  He decided the hospital was driving them both crazy, and the sooner he got them both home to Puffin Island, the better.

  *

  THEY KEPT LIZZY in the hospital for another twenty-four hours.

  Despite Emily’s protestations, Ryan insisted on returning the following morning to drive them back to the island.

  She’d suffered another sleepless night, but this time her concerns were for herself as well as Lizzy. How had she managed to fall in love? She didn’t understand how it had happened. All she knew was that she had to reverse the feeling fast. She had to fall out of love with him, and, more important, she had to help Lizzy fall out of love with him, too.

  “So, the final verdict was a virus?” He slid behind the wheel. “Virus is a word doctors use when they don’t have a clue what’s going on.”

  Exhausted, Emily fought the urge to rest her throbbing head against those wide shoulders.

  “They don’t really know what it was, but it wasn’t meningitis, and she’s on the mend, so that’s all that matters.”

  Now that the immediate panic about Lizzy had passed, she knew she had to think about the future. She’d woken up to the mistakes she’d made. Her mind was trying to make sense of it all, but the stress of the past few days caught up with her, and the smooth purr of the engine rocked her to sleep.

  She woke as they drove off the ferry along with carloads of summer visitors.

  John, the harbormaster, waved them over, and Ryan pulled up.

  “She’s doing fine, John.”

  “Good to know.” Needing to check for himself, John stepped forward and looked at Lizzy. The smile spread along his weathered face. “We missed you, pumpkin. Ryan has been keeping us updated. Wait there. I have something for you.” He vanished into his hut and emerged moments later holding a miniature version of the ferry, handmade and beautifully carved. “I’ve called her the Captain Lizzy. I made it in my workshop.”

  “For me?” Lizzy reached for it, enchanted. “It’s like the Captain Hook. Does it float?”

  “Should do. You’ll have to take it down to the beach and test it. Let me know.”

  “Will you come?”

  “To the beach?” John scratched his beard. “Maybe I will. Dora and I enjoy a walk on the sand. I appreciate the invitation.”

  “Look.” Lizzy leaned forward to show Emily, and she examined the boat, marveling at the detail. There was a ramp that lifted and lowered and a little chain that fastened across the back.

  “It’s perfect. Thank you, John.” She admired the craftsmanship, touched by the sentiment as much as the hours he’d obviously spent. She remembered how afraid of him she, Sky and Brittany had been.

  As Ryan drove away, she mentioned it to him. “We used to be scared of him.”

  “Plenty of folk are. It’s a trick he uses to stop people messing around near the ferry.”

  “I thought Lizzy had driven him crazy asking questions.”

  “John loves anyone who shows interest in the Captain Hook.” He eased the car along the crowded roads. “And you’re an honorary islander.”

  “Because I’m staying in Brittany’s cottage?”

  “Not just because of that. You’ve contributed to the community. Not only have you earned Hilda’s approval, but Summer Scoop’s business has doubled in the past few days. And all the islanders were worried about Lizzy. I couldn’t walk down the street without being accosted for information, so in the end I had Kirsti put out a tweet on the Ocean Club Twitter account. Hope you don’t mind.” He slowed for a group of tourists who were loaded down with beach bags and coolers. “It’s the silly season.”

  “This is why the business has doubled. It’s the summer crowd.”

  “Not true. You had some great ideas.”

  “What’s it like on the island in winter?”

  “Quiet. I love it, although obviously the weather can be brutal. It can also be fun. I’ll take you snowmobiling.”

  He was making the assumption she’d still be here in the winter.

  Realizing they were leaving the harbor, Emily reached for her purse. “Could you take me via the airfield? I need to pick up my car.”

  “Jared drove it home for you yesterday.”

  “Jared?”

  “The guy who is dating my sister. The guy I’m trying not to punch.”

  “But I’ve never even met him. Why would he help me? And where did he get the keys?”

  Ryan glanced at her. “You left them in the car. I guess you had other things on your mind.”

  “I—” She’d left them in the car? “That doesn’t explain why he’d help me, a stranger.”

  “Apart from the fact he can’t keep his hands off my sister, he’s a decent guy. And as I said, you’re an honorary islander.” Ryan took the coast road, and Emily looked out of the window at the islands dotted around the bay.

  An honorary islander.

  A month ago she hadn’t been able to imagine living here. Now she couldn’t imagine leaving.

  When she’d arrived on that first night, she would have turned around and left again had there been some way of getting across the water; but at some point leaving had ceased to be a priority. The charm of the island had sneaked up on her, like the slow merging of the seasons.

  The contrast to the night of the storm was incredible. The rain had stopped, the sky had cleared and visibility was perfect. It was as if it had never happened.

  When they reached Castaway Cottage, she stepped out of the car and felt the breeze on her face. The scent of salt and sea expunged the last memories of clinical sterility. Shell Cove lay in front of her, a perfect crescent of golden tones, and she wondered why she’d wasted all those summers keeping her back to the water.

  She realized she didn’t feel trapped or scared, she felt free. For the first time in her life, she felt as if she’d come home.

  Turning back to the car, she bumped into Ryan.

  “Sorry—” He put his hands on her arms to steady her, and she stood for a few seconds, disoriented by his closeness and the terrifying depths of her feelings. Her eyes were level with the tanned skin at the base of his throat and the dark stubble that shaded his jaw.

  Scooping up Lizzy, she carried her to the cottage and waited while Ryan unlocked the door.

  “I should have asked you to stop at the harbor so we could pick some things up.”

  “You won’t need anything.” He walked through to the kitchen, and she saw the table was heaped high with bags and parcels.

  “What’s all this?”

  “This,” Ryan said dryly, “is all courtesy of your neighbors. Welcome to Puffin Island, where everyone knows what you like to eat for dinner. And if you’re in trouble, they provide it.” There was humor in his eyes as he pulled open the fridge and stepped to one side, so that she could see the contents.

  Emily gaped and Lizzy wriggled out of her arms.

  “There’s so much food!”

  “There is.” Emily felt weak. “Was this you? Did you do this?”

  “It was everyone. The town council sent out an email to everyone and coordinated people’s contributions. They thought you wouldn’t want to be thinking of food for a few days while you settle back in.”

  “The town council emailed?”

  “That’s nothing. If you stay here much longer you’ll be expected to give them your phone number. Then you’ll get a call or a text in an emergency.”

  Still looking at the food in disbelief, Emily shook her head. “What sort of emergency?”

  “Well, let’s see—” he leaned back against the counter “—there was the time two years ago when the Ratners’ barn caught fire, and they needed as many people as possible to help
. Then there was the time when the power went out last January, and they needed volunteers to check on the elderly and vulnerable. It’s a good way of communicating to a wide number of people in the shortest space of time.”

  “I’m really touched.” She opened one of the bags and pulled out a doll and a pile of books for Lizzy. “That’s so thoughtful.” Tears thickened her throat, and she realized with a flash of horror that she was going to cry.

  Tired, she thought. She was just tired, that was all.

  “I need to get Lizzy to bed.” Forcing herself to keep moving, she carried Lizzy up to her bedroom and tucked her in.

  “Will you open the window? I want to listen to the sea.”

  Emily opened the window, realizing that she no longer shrank from the sound. “Better?”

  “Can Ryan read me a story?”

  “I think you need to sleep.”

  “But could I have a story first?”

  Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

  “It’s my turn to read to you.” She sat on the edge of the bed, picked a story and started to read. Lizzy was asleep by the end of the first page.

  Emily stayed for a few minutes, staring down at tumbled blond hair and vulnerability.

  She’d been almost the same age when she’d lost her sister.

  She’d been alone with her feelings. There had been no one to comfort her. No one to protect her.

  Reaching out, she stroked the curls away from Lizzy’s face and bent to kiss her.

  Lizzy wasn’t alone, and she was going to do her best to protect her. A few weeks earlier the responsibility had almost sent her running. Not now. Now, the fierceness, the desire to protect came not from duty but from somewhere deep inside. A place she hadn’t accessed for a long time. And finally she knew what she had to do.

  Ryan was in the kitchen with his back to her, staring out of the window to the garden. He turned when he heard her walk in. “The storm flattened some of the plants.”

  “I’ll deal with it tomorrow.” She looked at those broad shoulders, at his handsome face, at the man she loved. “Thank you for what you did. Coming to see us. Bringing us home. All this—” She glanced at the surfaces, covered in gifts and donations of food. “I’m grateful.”