Kisses at Sunset Page 14

  His eyes were suddenly cold. ‘I can’t believe you mean that.’

  For a moment her heart gave a little leap and then she remembered that this was probably a man thing. They always had to be the one in control.

  ‘Why? Because your ego is dented? Because you weren’t the one to finish it. It’s hard to finish what we never started.’

  ‘Ouch. I definitely need to work on my technique.’ His eyes lifted slowly and burned into hers and frustration and misery exploded inside her.

  ‘This isn’t about your technique, Josh!’ She virtually shouted the words and then groaned with embarrassment as a passing doctor from another department shot a startled look in their direction. ‘Oh, help, now everyone will know.’

  He didn’t flinch. ‘And what if they do?’

  ‘I—have—a—child!’ she emphasised each word, wondering what it took for him to understand. ‘I don’t want him thinking that his mother is a—’ She broke off and he lifted an eyebrow.

  ‘A what? An attractive, intelligent, moral woman with a right to a grown-up life of her own?’

  She closed her eyes. ‘It doesn’t work that way, Josh. It just isn’t that simple.’

  ‘So you won’t go out with a man unless there’s a proposal of marriage on the table?’

  She stared at him blankly. ‘Marriage? Is that what you think? That I want marriage?’ She shook her head. ‘Forget it. A piece of paper doesn’t signify commitment. You can relax, Josh. I don’t want to marry you.’

  If her heart hadn’t been in the process of being demolished, she would have laughed at the thought. Marriage? If that was what he thought she wanted, no wonder he looked so tense.

  ‘So what do you want?’

  ‘To go back to the way we were! To be able to sleep at night. I don’t know! I don’t know what I want.’ She raked her fingers through her hair, all the frustrations of the last few weeks pouring into her voice. ‘To be able to get you out of my mind for two minutes and concentrate on my work would be a good start!’

  There was a long, pulsing silence and she bit back a groan as she realised just how much she’d revealed.

  ‘You’re not sleeping because you’re thinking of me?’

  ‘Josh, please…’

  ‘Is it true?’ His voice sounded strange and she looked at him wearily.

  ‘So what if it is? It doesn’t change anything.’

  ‘Yes, it does. It means you could be throwing away something that has a future.’

  She watched a nurse pass and then turned back to him, her heart thumping against her chest. ‘What are you saying?’

  He ran a hand over the back of his neck and looked vaguely uncomfortable. It occurred to her that it was the first time she’d ever seen Josh out of his depth. ‘I don’t know really.’ He gave a casual shrug, his gaze slightly wary. ‘I suppose I’m saying that if you’re awake at night thinking about me and I’m awake at night thinking about you then we may as well give it a go. This whole relationship thing.’

  If she hadn’t been hurting so badly, she would have laughed at the expression on his face. He looked so uncomfortable. As if he wanted to reach out and grab the words and drag them back into his mouth.

  But at least he’d said them, and for some reason she felt a lump building in her throat. ‘I realise that’s a very flattering offer, coming from you.’ She managed a smile. ‘But it isn’t enough, Josh. You don’t just try a relationship on for size and see how it works when there’s a child involved.’

  He sucked in a breath. ‘I know you’re looking for guarantees, but the truth is those just don’t exist for anyone. This is the real world, Kat. All people can do is their best. Who knows what’s round the corner? All I know is that you should grab the moment and live.’

  Which was what he did, of course. He drove his fast cars, strove to catch the biggest wave on his surfboard and raced his boat. He was a man who lived life to the full, every moment of every day. Whereas she—she swallowed as she scrutinised her own life—tried to make her life as predictable and safe as possible. Tried to control every minute.

  ‘I like my life the way it is.’

  ‘Do you? Do you really? You’re missing out, Kat,’ he said roughly, ‘and what’s more, Archie is missing out, too. By trying to protect him from everything, you’re robbing him of experiences that might enrich his life. I don’t pretend to know anything about parenting, but how’s he ever going to learn to cope with problems if you make sure he never has any?’

  ‘As you say, you don’t know anything about parenting.’ She stepped away, her voice cold. ‘And Archie has a very happy life. If I get involved with you and it all goes wrong, as it inevitably will—’

  ‘Why inevitably?’ His voice was harsh and she looked at him with exasperation.

  ‘Oh, come on, Josh! We both know children aren’t on your agenda.’

  ‘Maybe they are.’ His eyes glittered strangely, ‘Maybe I’ve just never really thought about the whole children thing before now.’

  She stared at him. ‘You’re saying you want children?’

  ‘I don’t know what the hell I’m saying!’ He stabbed his fingers through his hair and let out a long breath. ‘I just know that this wasn’t a one-night stand for me.’

  ‘Well, I can’t expose Archie to hurt while you’re making up your mind what you really want,’ she snapped, ‘so it’s obviously best for everyone if we don’t get involved.’

  He caught her face in his hands and forced her to look at him. ‘We’re involved, Kat,’ he growled, his tone hovering between anger and frustration. ‘We’re already involved. Think about that next time you’re lying awake at night unable to sleep.’

  He stared down into her eyes and then, with a soft curse, his hands dropped to his sides and he strode away from her into the department.

  * * *

  The rest of the week was a nightmare.

  Kat was exhausted from a combination of lack of sleep and work pressure and her concentration had never been worse. Her head was filled with nothing but Josh and it didn’t help that whatever she was doing, wherever she was standing, he was always right there next to her.

  What was she going to do? she wondered helplessly a week after their date. How was she ever going to get him out of her mind? Was she going to have to leave Cornwall?

  But then she thought of her cottage by the beach and how happy Archie was, and she knew that wasn’t an option. She couldn’t leave a place that they both loved so much.

  And she couldn’t leave Josh.

  Tears pricked her eyes as she tried to concentrate on the X-ray she was studying. Even though she couldn’t be with him in the way she wanted, she knew that she’d rather live with him on the edges of her life than absent from it.

  She was just tired, she told herself firmly, yanking the X-ray out of the light-box and returning it to its brown protective cover. Tomorrow was her day off and she was going to catch up on some sleep. Maybe then she’d be more rational.

  No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t forget what Josh had said about Archie. Was he right? Was Archie really missing out, too? In trying to protect him, was she depriving her son of experiences that would enrich his life?

  She just didn’t know. All she knew was that her mind felt tangled and confused and her eyes ached from lack of sleep.

  When she eventually finished her shift she virtually dragged herself to Mary’s to collect Archie and then drove home.

  ‘In the morning, do you think you could watch children’s television until I wake up?’ She unlocked the door and let them both into the house. ‘Mummy’s a bit tired.’

  Archie dropped his swimming bag on the floor and frowned at her. ‘Are you sad? You look sad.’

  He was so observant. ‘I’m not sad,’ she lied, bending to hug him. ‘Just very tired.’

  ‘Maybe we should go round and play with Josh,’ Archie suggested cheerfully. ‘Josh always makes you smile and you get that funny look on your face when you’r
e with him.’ He gave a little shrug and sprinted through to the kitchen.

  For a moment Kat just stared and then she followed him. ‘What do you mean by that?’

  Archie dragged a chair across the room and then climbed up and opened a cupboard. ‘You’re always smiling when you’re with Josh. And so’s he.’ He stood on tiptoe and reached for a cup. ‘You both smile. So maybe tomorrow we could all spend the day together.’ The cup clasped in his hand, he jumped down from the chair. ‘We could even invite him for a sleepover. That would be fun.’

  ‘A sleepover?’ She felt her face heat. Did he know something? She shook herself. Of course he didn’t. He was only six years old, for goodness’ sake, and he was speaking six-year-old language. ‘Why would you invite him for a sleepover?’

  ‘Because that’s what you do with friends, and Josh is a friend,’ Archie said patiently, his glance telling her that he clearly thought she was a bit stupid. ‘Do you think he’d fit in the snuggle sack I had from Father Christmas?’

  ‘I—Well…’ Kat raked her fingers through her hair and smiled weakly. ‘Probably not, sweetheart. I think he’s a bit too big.’

  ‘He could just sleep in the spare bed, then.’ Evidently considering the problem solved, Archie moved the chair along, climbed up again and switched on the tap. ‘Can we have fish fingers for tea?’

  Fish fingers.

  The reality of her life.

  Kat forced a smile. ‘Of course. Fish fingers it is. And in the morning, will you tiptoe downstairs? When I wake up I promise we’ll go to the beach and have fun.’

  ‘Can we go and see Josh?’

  ‘No!’ There was a note of panic in Kat’s voice and instinctively she modulated her tone. ‘No, sweetheart. Not tomorrow.’

  ‘But he doesn’t mind. He said so.’ Archie stepped into his trunks, his eyes huge. ‘He promised I could help with the boat and practise my knots.’

  ‘And so you can. Another time.’ When she’d managed to put her one incredible night with Josh well and truly behind her. And so far she hadn’t done very well. ‘Tomorrow it’s just us, like it always has been. That’s good, isn’t it?’

  He looked at her and shrugged, disappointment written all over his face. ‘I suppose so.’

  She felt something tug inside her. Why did life have to be so complicated?

  CHAPTER NINE

  HOPING that physical activity would burn off some of the frustration that had kept him sleepless for yet another long and restless night, Josh rose early and spent the first hour of the day clearing out the shed that he used to store all his sailing gear.

  By the time he’d emptied everything out, earmarked a few things for the skip and tidied the rest away, he decided he’d earned breakfast.

  For the first time since he’d woken up, he glanced up the path towards Kat’s cottage and froze as he saw Archie leaping along the path towards him.

  Conscious that he was desperately in need of a shave and a shower, he searched for signs of Kat but the boy was on his own.

  Of course he was on his own, Josh thought savagely as he slammed the door of the shed closed and reached for a rag to wipe his hands on. Kat had made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want anything to do with him.

  He gave a sigh as the boy drew close, his eyes shining with excitement at the prospect of the new day.

  Was it really fair to blame Kat for wanting to protect something so precious?

  And she was right, wasn’t she? He couldn’t be trusted with her most valued possession. He didn’t have any of the skills necessary to make a good, reliable father. He didn’t know anything about what was expected.

  Hell, he didn’t even know what he wanted out of life any more and she was right when she said that he shouldn’t be allowed to experiment with Archie.

  ‘Would you fit into a sleepover sack?’ Archie bounded up to him, as eager as a puppy, his clothes on inside out as usual. ‘Because Mum reckons you’d be too big.’

  ‘Sorry?’ Josh reached for his own shirt, which he’d slung over the bench before he’d started work. He stared at it for a moment then gave a little smile and pulled it inside out.

  ‘I want you to come for a sleepover.’ Archie hurried across to the boat and touched the hull carefully. ‘But Mum thinks you’d be too big to fit in my sleepover bag.’

  Josh dragged the shirt over his head. ‘A sleepover?’

  Archie gave an impatient sigh. ‘You know—you spend the night at our house! It’s what friends do. And if you talk in really soft voices you can get to stay up really late.’ He glanced over his shoulder, checking that no one was listening. ‘The trick is to know how to act asleep when Mum puts her head round the door.’

  Josh looked at him, intrigued. ‘So how do you act asleep?’

  ‘You move a bit,’ Archie confided, lowering his voice. ‘People who are really asleep don’t always lie still. I know that because once I lay like a stone and Mum said, “I know you’re awake, Archie,” in that voice of hers.’

  Josh gave a wry smile. He suspected he’d been on the receiving end of ‘that voice’.

  ‘Anyway…’ Archie gave a little shrug ‘…I’m going to have Marcus for a sleepover the next time Mum has a day off. But you could come any time. It’s not as if Mum has to give you a lift home or anything.’

  At a loss for words, Josh ran a hand over his rough jaw and decided that a conversation with a child was every bit as challenging as a conversation with a woman.

  ‘Does your mum want me to come for a sleepover?’

  Archie was studying the boat again. ‘She doesn’t think you’ll fit in the bag. Can I help you paint this again?’

  ‘Does your mum even know you’re here?’

  Archie shook his head and wriggled under the boat. ‘She’s asleep. I’m supposed to be watching television.’

  ‘Hold it!’ Josh raised his hands and took several steps backwards. ‘If she doesn’t know you’re here, then you’re going straight home, right now this minute.’

  Archie gaped at him. ‘You’re sending me home?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Josh said hastily, grabbing his arm and leading him back towards the path. ‘The last time you came here without telling her, your mum yelled at me. She used that voice. You know the one!’

  ‘So?’ Archie rolled his eyes. ‘She yells at me all the time, and I’m smaller than you! Are you telling me you’re scared of my mum?’

  Josh hid the smile. ‘Terrified.’ Terrified that if he did the wrong thing she wouldn’t have any more to do with him. ‘And you’re going home right now.’ He dropped the cloth he’d been using to clean his hands. ‘And what’s more, I’m taking you myself just to be sure that you don’t get into mischief on the way.’

  Archie turned his head to look at the cottage then looked back at Josh. ‘It’s so close you can practically touch it. I can go on my own.’

  ‘I don’t care. I’m still walking you back to the door.’

  But before Josh could move, a car pulled into his drive and Louisa climbed out.

  ‘Hopeful!’ With a shriek of delight Archie dashed over to hug the dog and was soon rolling around on Josh’s lawn, in danger of being licked to death.

  Josh looked at his sister-in-law and then at the car. ‘I can’t believe you can still fit into that car—can you even reach the steering-wheel?’

  ‘Don’t be rude.’ She stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. ‘I’ve been baking and I thought you might like some. Then I’m off to the baby shop to pick up a couple of things. Can you unload my boot for me?’

  Josh took the keys from her and unlocked the boot, lifting out several bags and a cake tin.

  ‘I wish this backache would go away. I’ve had it for days.’ She rubbed a hand over her back and tilted her head to one side as she watched the dog and the boy playing together. ‘What’s Archie doing here?’

  ‘Giving me a headache as usual.’ Josh slammed the boot shut. ‘I’m just taking him back over to Kat. Wait here and then I’ll ma
ke us some coffee.’

  He strode through to put the bags in his kitchen and Louisa followed.

  ‘You know, Josh, you really ought—’ She broke off and gasped, her pretty face suddenly contorted in pain. ‘Oh, Josh.’ She grasped the back of a chair and put a hand on her bump.

  ‘What?’ Josh dropped the bags and strode to her side. ‘What, Louisa?’

  She gave another gasp that turned to a sob. ‘I think…’ Her breath caught and for a moment she couldn’t speak. ‘I think the baby is coming.’

  ‘What?’ He gaped at her. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  Louisa made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan. ‘When did you last look at me? I’m nine months pregnant, Josh. It has to come out some time.’

  ‘But not here! Not now!’ Josh felt a sudden rush of panic and forced himself to stay calm. He was a doctor, for heaven’s sake! ‘OK.’ He jabbed his fingers through his hair and tried to think straight. ‘Well, that’s fine. That’s good. It’s not due for a couple of weeks but this is fine. It’s really not a problem. We’ll just get you to hospital and I’ll give Mac a ring and—’

  ‘Josh.’ She grabbed his arm and he winced with pain as her fingers dug hard into his flesh. He’d always thought his sister-in-law was gentle. Where had she learnt how to grip like that? ‘Josh.’ She was gasping now. ‘There isn’t going to be time to go to hospital.’

  He stared at her blankly. ‘What do you mean, there isn’t going to be time to go to hospital? This is your first baby. First babies take hours—days even.’

  They didn’t just arrive without warning. In his kitchen.

  She screwed up her face again and made a sound in between a moan and a giggle. ‘You don’t know anything about babies, Josh. Some of them come quickly.’

  He ran a hand over the back of his neck, feeling the prickle of sweat cool his skin. ‘Not the first time. The first time they take ages and—’

  ‘Josh! Shut up, will you?’ There was a tinge of panic in her voice and more than a touch of exasperation. ‘Stop telling me what it says in the textbooks!’ She gritted her teeth and held onto him harder. ‘I’m telling you this baby is coming. I can feel it.’